Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
What a dumb baby whore.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
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