You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
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He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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