I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
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