It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
