Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Randomize
