i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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