I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
