Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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