The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
