So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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