god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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