I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Sext me about skeletons
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
