I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
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