I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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