I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
