Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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