I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
