That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
