I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Randomize
