I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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