did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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