i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
