So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Randomize
