Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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