Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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