Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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