You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
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