I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
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