Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Randomize
