i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
