a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
