I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
