My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Randomize
