...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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