Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
so let's talk penis.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
