i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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