Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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