I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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