Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
