sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
