she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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