Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
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You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
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That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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