you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
