I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
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