Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I'm determined to sit on that face.
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