Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
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