So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
