So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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