My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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