Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
