I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
