"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Randomize
