Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
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