I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
