Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
