i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
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