It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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