Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
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