mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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